Victor Ibeh’s Desk: my toyboy is demanding a joint account! What do I do??
Hello Victor, I am at a crossroads, right now. I am an independent lady of 36. I have a good job, car and a house of my own. I’ve even got some investments here and there. I have been under immense pressure from my family to get married. I found out that most guys find it difficult getting along with me. They see me as a threat to their personality. So it has been difficult getting a serious fiance.
About a year ago, I met a guy on Facebook and we got talking. He is 7 years younger but I didn’t see it as a problem, since he was willing to accept the age difference in good faith. He has a job, though not as good as mine, but he pays his bills. Since we started dating I have been giving him money occasionally as a way of demonstrating my love to him. Two nights ago, he called and requested that we should have a joint account. I told him that it was sudden. I pleaded with him to wait till after wedding before we do that.
When I said that, he got angry and was saying that I don’t love him. He said that if I loved him, I wouldn’t hesitate to have a joint account with him, since we are getting married. Since that night he has not been taking my calls. I am really confused. I have already told my parents that I have a fiance and we would be coming to meet them soon. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to lose him, but I’m also scared. What if he is trying to defraud me? Please help me out.
Something is terribly wrong here. Permit me to say that your man is already feeling entitled, else he would have recognised the place of choice in everybody’s life. You have the full right to decide whether you want a joint account or not.
If I may ask, what would the joint account be for? Or does he want a joint account just to have the fulfilment that he has a joint account with you?
People shouldn’t do things without a sense of purpose. I wouldn’t want to appear restrictive, so I would let you know that it is perfectly okay to have a joint account with somebody you want to marry. However, there has to be a real purpose for that joint account.
Why do I feel that your man has something creepy in the offing? The fact that he isn’t taking your calls is a huge pointer that his request was not an honest request.
The good thing about this is that you still have the power to decide what you want.
In that case, you can choose to have the joint account but don’t ever put money that you can not forego, in it. Since there is no definite purpose for the account, you can make do by putting paltry amounts in it, and it should not exceed what he contributes.
This is wisdom. Inasmuch as love is beautiful, you need to approach it with wisdom. Love creates vulnerability and that’s where people get hurt.
You don’t want to lose him, I understand. So, you can just open the account but be smart in your financial dealings.
Also, you can decide not to give-in to his demand. The implication of this is that you stand to lose him. The good part is that you would lose him without incurring financial loss. If you oblige him, there is no proof that you won’t lose him, but then you might also lose something else- your money.
Try your best to avoid the pressure your people are projecting to you. Marriage is a personal business. Nobody would wear the shoes for you. If you allow them pressure you into a wrong marriage, remember you will face the challenges alone.
Your peace of mind and happiness is the ultimate in marriage. If your marriage would not guarantee it, stay away. Do not be sentimental about this. It is your life, happiness and peace on the line.
Now, when we were around 14/15 (we’re both 17 now), I was always the type that believed in kissing in relationships because I watched a lot of Disney and Nickelodeon shows. They made me believe your love isn’t yet perfect till you have kissed. Now my friend “was” the opposite. She would often say her first kiss will be on the altar with her husband. Now my friend has been kissed, has had steamy romance and now the same guy is asking for anal sex. I have advised her, prayed for her, but…he is very cunning, intelligent and has a way with words. I’m very afraid, I don’t want things to go far. I care for her, she’s my best friend.